As I sit here typing on my iPhone, trying to ignore the pain shooting through my left wrist I can't help but wonder, how did I get here? I am not the Alexa I was a few months ago. The strong girl has somehow seemed to fly away gradually and I didn't even notice... until now! I've done the very thing I vowed I wouldn't do. I have lost myself. How did this happen?
David is one of my favorite people in the Bible. They say he was a man after God's own heart. I Agree. You know what I love about David? He's a jacked up mess and stayed that way his whole life. Now I know what you are thinking. "Lex why would you condone his constant mess ups. Heck! He got another mans wife pregnant and then killed the man!!" I love David because he is me and if you look closely he is you too.
David lost himself so many times throughout the Bible I don't see how God still deemed him worthy (how great is our forgiving Father)! I mean honestly, some of the things David did I just knew he was headed straight to the lake of fire. Every time he got out of one situation here came another. I wonder if he knew all he would get into that day he came in the house as a mere Shepard boy. I know I never imagined myself here a year ago.
Let me stop to tell y'all how great my God is!! He has blessed me beyond belief over this past year, new job, new car, new place to live, peace & quiet! YES LORD! THANK YOU LORD!
Why do I feel so down?
Physically I am not in the best shape. With still no answers from doctors. Spiritually I can't say I have been giving God the time he deserves. This single life is becoming a little stressful. I'm about to be 26 September 9th y'all. This wasn't in the plan. I was "supposed" to be married. And everyone seems to be flourishing but me. I feel a lot like David right now.. LOST.
There's beauty in the lost moments of your life ... it means you are available and in need of being found. It's the perfect time for God to swoop in and wreck you all over again. I'm so ready for the wrecking. The intimacy with God that I use to not be able to function without. The rekindled love that I blew out because of my unwillingness to push through. I am David, completely stripped, completely vulnerable, and completely found.
- Alexa Gabrielle
“I run to you, GOD; I run for dear life. Don’t let me down! Take me seriously this time! Get down on my level and listen, and please—no procrastination! Your granite cave a hiding place, your high cliff aerie a place of safety.
You’re my cave to hide in, my cliff to climb. Be my safe leader, be my true mountain guide. Free me from hidden traps; I want to hide in you. I’ve put my life in your hands. You won’t drop me, you’ll never let me down.
I hate all this silly religion, but you, GOD, I trust. I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love; you saw my pain, you disarmed my tormentors, You didn’t leave me in their clutches but gave me room to breathe. Be kind to me, GOD — I’m in deep, deep trouble again. I’ve cried my eyes out; I feel hollow inside. My life leaks away, groan by groan; my years fade out in sighs. My troubles have worn me out, turned my bones to powder. To my enemies I’m a monster; I’m ridiculed by the neighbors. My friends are horrified; they cross the street to avoid me. They want to blot me from memory, forget me like a corpse in a grave, discard me like a broken dish in the trash. The street-talk gossip has me “criminally insane”! Behind locked doors they plot how to ruin me for good.
Desperate, I throw myself on you: you are my God! Hour by hour I place my days in your hand, safe from the hands out to get me. Warm me, your servant, with a smile; save me because you love me. Don’t embarrass me by not showing up; I’ve given you plenty of notice. Embarrass the wicked, stand them up, leave them stupidly shaking their heads as they drift down to hell. Gag those loudmouthed liars who heckle me, your follower, with jeers and catcalls.
What a stack of blessing you have piled up for those who worship you, Ready and waiting for all who run to you to escape an unkind world. You hide them safely away from the opposition. As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, you silence the poisonous gossip. Blessed GOD! His love is the wonder of the world. Trapped by a siege, I panicked. “Out of sight, out of mind,” I said. But you heard me say it, you heard and listened.
Love GOD, all you saints; GOD takes care of all who stay close to him, But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone. Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up. Expect GOD to get here soon.”