It is 2:52 in the AM. As of late I have been taking time away from social media. It's not that it controls me. but I oftentimes find myself playing the comparison game (still). I feel like I am so behind and so far from where I should be. This feeling has caused me to retreat and not make quality content, but merely post to get by and stay relevant. There is a war within myself, a war that says "Alexa you aren't not worthy", and another that say "because you are not worthy Alexa I have chosen you".
I despise when I go through these times in my life because I pull back from any and everybody. Although it causes me to go into a time of isolation I always end up doing some "deep thinking" (see this blog post) and peel back another layer of myself. I know I am not the only one.
I write these posts because I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been STRUGGLING even in my time with God. Figuring out whats authentic within the Christian community and what is not. Looking for wisdom from God to deal with these feelings and learning how to bridge a gap.
I HAVE BEEN PUTTING IMMENSE PRESSURE ON MYSELF. PRESSURE THAT DID NOT COME FROM GOD. PRESSURE THAT SAYS GOD IS DISAPPOINTED IN YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO SPEND WITH HIM DAILY ANYMORE, OR LOOK FOR HIM IN THE STILL SMALL MOMENTS OF THE DAY. YOU ARE NO LONGER EARNING HIS LOVE.
When God truly says I miss you. I long to spend time with you. I am here waiting. You do not earn my love because it is freely given to you. Stop listening to outside voices that push you AWAY from me and DRAW NEAR to me and the promises I have for you.
There is a war going on inside of us each and everyday. Lately, I have been letting my doubts and the lies of the enemy win. How can I possibly do that when Jesus already won the battle for me. It's not as hard as we make it. All it takes is belief and surrender. Turn off condemnation and pick up constant love. I want to do better. I have to do better. I just may be the person whose story leads you to the one who can change you forever.
It all depends on the war though and how I choose to end the battle.
I choose LOVE!